What your husband told a lesbian last night...

2. If he brings home the bacon, don’t make him cut out the fat!

Where I Met Your Husband: out of town bar, undisclosed city

When We Started Talking About You: 11pm, Feb. 21, 2009

Where You & Your Husband Live: Chicago

Your Husband’s Age: 29

How Long the Two of You Have Been Married: 4 years

How Drunk Your Husband Was When We Talked About You: 3 or 4 beers in…

If your husband makes more than 75% of your household’s yearly income, he wants you to let him play more without you giving him shit about it. He told me that those 3 or 4 hours a week make the other 164 more bearable. And like the dude from my first post, the general theme here seems to be figuring out ways to keep your husband from being bitter as FUCK towards you. So listen up!

So he has a stupid hobby. So WHAT?? At least it’s not another woman! You’re pissed he’s OBSESSED with golf? Thank god he has a passion about SOMETHING! Fantasy football league? Good thing it’s not the *real-life orgy league* his (married) buddy—you know, the one you always think to yourself you wish your husband was more like?? yeah THAT guy—has with strangers when he goes away “on business.”

Your husband told me that he needs to let off some steam and have some fun while he’s doing it. And since you’re not doing what I suggested in post #1, he’s gotta get his cookies somewhere. He’s essentially the 18 year old version of himself trapped in a grown-up’s body. He doesn’t WANT to have to work, or have responsibilities, or a schedule, or have to worry about YOU having enough to eat. But he does. All the fucking time. If it were up to him, he’d be smoking cigars while playing Wii on one tv and watching porn on another simultaneously for 12 hours of the day, and SLEEPING the other 12. He’d be hooked up to a beer hat on one end, and a catheter on the other, and wouldn’t think twice about it. But it’s not up to him. It’s up to society and reason…and mostly YOU.

So if your husband likes to do something every week, LET HIM. Don’t make fun of it. Don’t give him shit about when he’s going to get home. Seriously?? Use the time that he’s out of your fucking hair to do something YOU want to do. Catch up on the daytime soaps that he thinks are dumb. Call your friends and complain to them about his stupid hobby (just as long as you get it out of your system for the night, and when he gets home, maybe do #1 on this list).

Now do keep in mind, I said “if…” If he makes less than you or exactly half or somewhere in that 51%-74% range, use your discretion. And never, ever let him bully you into letting him do something you truly think will hurt your marriage (like porn night at the fellas is not exactly something I give my blessing to)…

But remember, your husband is a living, breathing, (ridiculously drunk when talking to me) human being with a brain (yes, seriously), a heart (yeah HUH!) and yes, even a conscious. Just…like…you. He’s already having a hard enough time being married to you. Don’t take away ALL the fun!

1. He’s not cheating on you, so fuck him already!

Where I Met Your Husband: out of town bar, undisclosed

When We Started Talking About You: just after midnight, Feb. 19, 2009

City of You & Your Husband’s Residence: Salt Lake City

Your Husband’s Age: 36

How Long the Two of You Have Been Married: 9 years

How Drunk Your Husband Was When We Talked About You: way, way drunk

Your husband is a good guy. He throws around words like “pussy” and “cunt” much too freely when he’s drunk, away from you and comfortable. (Yes, YOUR husband.) But he’s ultimately a good guy. When I asked him if he’s ever cheated on you, he said “absolutely not”, and I believe him. He said that he of course fantasizes about fucking other women all the time, but he’d never act on it. He meant what he said in front of your families and friends the day you were married. At least the stuff about fidelity. But he does “wack off” to porn and the thought of other women whenever he gets a chance.

Your husband wishes you’d fuck him more often. He wants you to know that he’d like more sex. His friends used to tell him that once he married you, the sex would dry up. Back then, the two of you fucked at the drop of a hat (or your panties), so he didn’t believe them for a second. But now that he’s said “I do,” you don’t. He doesn’t need it ALL the time. Just a lot more than you’re giving it to him. If you fuck him once a month now, start fucking him once a week.

He also wants you to know that he’s happy that anytime he asks you for sex, you oblige, but he would love it if you’d initiate the sex every once in a while. He wouldn’t mind initiating 4 times for every 1 time you do. Most of his brain(s) is in his pants, but there’s a small bit that does need to be seduced every once in a while. And the fact that you NEVER initiate really is a bummer for him. How can you expect him to find you smokin’ hot after 9 years and you NEVER EVER put your hand on his cock and beg him to get you off. That’s ridiculous. He’s your husband. You love him. So fuck him more!

He’s not going to start cheating on you if you don’t give him more sex after reading this. But he will continue to be secretly bitter towards you for it.